Wow! What a week, huh? It's time for a Weekly News Roundup! Remember: This is The Babylon Bee, so you can trust us. We'll make a lot of stuff up, but we'll never lie to you.
The Rittenhouse verdict
- Many believe the jury took a week to come up with their verdict just because they were trying to stretch it out to get free lunch every day.
- Rittenhouse was found not guilty, which is bizarre, because Twitter declared him guilty over a year ago. Surely this can be appealed.
Build Back Better
- President Biden's Build Back Better bill just passed the House, but Republicans quickly countered with a Build Back Best bill, and they, in turn, were topped by AOC's proposal of a Build Back Bestester bill.
QAnon Shaman Sentenced
- The fabled QAnon Shaman (the guy with the buffalo hat), who came within a hair of overthrowing the entire United States government on Jan 6th, was sentenced to a reasonable punishment of 500 years hard labor in the Spice Mines of Kessel.
- Reliable sources have claimed that the whole Jan 6th thing was just a distraction to allow Nicolas Cage to break into the Capitol and steal the treasure hidden beneath.
- Analysts believe Biden's approval rating keeps getting lower as he gets older, which is really bad news, as he's really old and got even older this week. Experts believe if he doesn't reverse this trend, things could get bad for him by 2024.
- Kamala Harris rates even lower than him, though, so Biden has started having her stand next to him to make him look more popular in comparison. He also has Bernie Sanders stand near him to make him look less of a socialist and younger.
- Representative Paul Gosar shared an anime video that depicted him violently attacking AOC, the world's smartest socialist. He was immediately censured for being a weirdo who watches anime.
Nothing important happened outside the U.S. this week.
- Inflation continues to grow, but the government has a plan: spend trillions of dollars.
- The Biden administration is currently working on a theory that if you just deluged a fire with enough gasoline fast enough, you'd actually smother the fire. Who knows? It might work!
- Inflation isn't really a problem, the experts are telling us, claiming that not being able to afford groceries is good for building character.
- Health officials say there is still a pandemic ongoing, so be on the lookout for the coronavirus. If you see a virus that's round and has a bunch of little stubby things on it, that's the coronavirus; don't touch it. Any other virus is safe.
- There's a new Ghostbusters movie out, and they've learned from their mistake with the 2016 all-female one, so they've made sure there are no women in this one. Women aren't even allowed to go see it. Better safe than sorry.
- Netflix announced huge numbers on their movie Red Notice starring Ryan Reynolds, Dwayne Johnson, and Gal Gadot (sister of Guy Gadot), who are all delightful. Like most streaming movies these days, though, it's like that Doctor Who alien where you forget about it as soon as you stop looking at it. We can't even remember it existed at this point. What were we talking about again?
(We'll do our best here, but we don't really know much about sports, so please be kind if we get a sports ball term wrong.)
- The head of the Women's Tennis Association has sent a demand to the Chinese government that missing tennis player Peng Shuai be accounted for, becoming the first sports organization to stand up to China. This proves that the manliest, toughest sport is women's tennis.
- Aaron Rogers played last weekend despite not being vaccinated, and everyone who was at the stadium Sunday is now dead. It also means the game was declared a tie like you sometimes get in dumb sports like soccer.
- It got colder this week. Does that mean global warming is ending? Scientists seem to think so. If nothing reverses this trend, by next July we could be in a new ice age.
- SpaceX launched another rocket. Three more, and they should finish exploring all of space. After that, Elon Musk plans to explore North Dakota.
- We saw more stuff about NFTs this week, but we still don't understand what they are. If you can explain them to me, please don't.
- God remained unchanged this week. Cool!
What's Wrong with Society This Week
- Superhero movies. Just stop. No more. For goodness sake.
- There's a cat outside. Looks lost. Anyway, if you're missing a cat, we may have seen it.
Now you're all informed. Congratulations! You are now qualified to get on social media and start expressing opinions. Get to it!
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.