Rittenhouse Verdict Raises Concerns That It’s No Longer Safe To Beat People To Death With A Skateboard

U.S.—As Americans deal with the aftermath of the Rittenhouse verdict, many are being forced to come to terms with the fact that it's no longer safe to beat people to death with a skateboard in America.

"I'm devastated. I'm terrified. I don't even recognize my own country anymore," said local concerned citizen Gail Piddlesnoot. "How have we gotten to the point in our nation where people can no longer beat someone with a skateboard, or kick someone in the face, or threaten to kill them without risk of being shot? It's just horrible."

The American Society of Communist Skateboard Murderers (ASCSM) reports that more and more of their members are dropping out, no longer confident that they can go out at night, burn down cities, and bash in people's skulls with skateboards unmolested.

"This sets a dangerous precedent," said Piddlesnoot. "It could be that in a very short time, we will no longer see gangs of marauding skateboard-murdering arsonists roaming our streets at night, and that's a very sad thought." 

Experts are recommending that in the near future, for everyone's safety, people who own skateboards just ride them for fun instead of beating people with them. 


Chris Smitherson has a problem: he's unvaccinated -- which means he's left out of all activities as he doesn't have COVID like his vaccinated friends. Thoughts and prayers.

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