GREEN BAY, WI—Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers stirred up controversy last week when it was discovered that instead of taking the safe and effective Covid vaccine, like all the other NFL players, he had immunized himself by drinking a pint of Joe Rogan blood, which kills the virus within minutes and provides immunity for up to 60 years.
The former MVP tested positive for Covid last week, and the NFL promptly fined him $15,000 for "being one of those disgusting anti-vaxxers." Fortunately for Rodgers, he was quickly able to revive his friendly relationship with the NFL after smacking around his fiancé a little bit and then murdering a couple of guys outside of the Hilton on Lombardi Avenue.
"Aaron's a good guy, he really is," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell after hearing that Rodgers had beaten his fiancé and murdered those two guys. "He'll really fit in with our league."
Colin Kaepernick reached out to Rodgers, calling him a hero, but was still disappointed in Rodgers for choosing to remain a slave. Packers head coach Matt LaFleur announced Rodgers will play on Sunday against the Seahawks, but he'll have to play while wearing a metal atmospheric diving suit to prevent any COVID spread.
Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns - so he's a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.