Yay! A COVID-19 vaccine is now available for children!
Now, you might be wondering why you need to give an experimental vaccine to your kids when they've never really been at risk from COVID-19, and that makes you a horrible person. Because when it comes to COVID-19, you're just supposed to do whatever you're told and not ask questions. Still, here are ten reasons to get your kids vaccinated.
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If 100% of kids are vaccinated, maybe you'll be allowed to not wear a mask. Maybe. Who knows? Could happen. Or not. Whatever.
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All the cool kids are doing it. Or maybe it's the dorks. I don't really understand the kid hierarchy anymore. Anyway, the really weird-looking kids are doing it.
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The deadline for Pfizer's fourth-quarter sales goals is coming up. You have Pfizer stock, right?
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Fauci said so, and he'd never lie to us. I mean, he constantly lies to us, but for our own good.
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Your kids were mouthing off. And injecting them with something is a way better punishment than taking away video games.
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It demonstrates that you are a good citizen. "Look at my injected kids," you will say. "Please increase my social score."
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Someone needs to try it to make sure it's safe for colobus monkeys. If it's fine for your kids, maybe it will be okay for monkeys.
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It teaches your kids to be compliant. The next time someone offers them drugs, you don't want them to ask a bunch of questions.
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Maybe it will have cool side effects. Like mutating your kid into a shark. Shark kid! That would be awesome.
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This is how we end the pandemic. Or at least it's step 23 out of 347 steps to end the pandemic.
Go do it. Or you'll lose your job or something.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
