Biden Vows To Keep Firing His Giant Money Hose At Everything Until Inflation Is Fixed

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Inflation is out of control, but President Joe Biden has a dynamic solution to that problem: a giant money hose. This has so far been his solution to every other problem he has faced, but he’s especially certain it will help with inflation.

“I just need Congress to fill my money hose, and then I’m going to fire it at everything!” Biden explained, prepping his hose. “If you see a problem, you just fire the money hose at it—that’s been my philosophy for my 87 years in Congress. Has that philosophy ever failed me? I don’t know; I’ve been too busy firing a giant money hose to pay attention.”

While most people support the firing of a giant money hose at everything, the policy has drawn a few critics. Some economists even say that the giant money hose could contribute more to inflation. “When you fire lots of money at everything out of a giant hose, that can devalue money,” explained economist Brian Collier in a high-pitched nerd voice, using a bunch of lingo no one could understand.

Still, Biden is undeterred and continues to fire his money hose at every problem he can see—though he mainly seems to be aiming the money hose at his cronies. But maybe if you cheer for Biden loudly enough, he’ll fire it at you!

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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