U.S.—In a rare moment of national unity, Americans of all races, backgrounds, and creeds have joined hands together across America around the shared belief that we should immediately launch all mainstream media journalists directly into the sun.
"I know we don't agree on much these days, but this one's a no-brainer," said Dale Smith, a white guy from Townville, Tennessee. "I'm honestly not sure why we didn't do this a long time ago."
Darnell Woodson, a black small business owner from Baltimore, agrees. "Wait a minute! We haven't launched all the lyin' journalists into the sun yet? Well, no wonder things are so bad," he said.
Citizens, experts, and policymakers all agree that gathering up the people most responsible for the racial hatred and division in this country over the last decade, loading them all into a rocket, and launching them straight into the nearest star as quickly as possible is the most effective thing we can do to promote healing in America.
Elon Musk has announced he will dedicate one of his very own SpaceX rockets for the task. He will also dedicate a second rocket large enough to hold Brian Stelter.
The left, celebrities, and athletes will take money from China, but they sure don't like talking about China. Tap your foot to the hit song parody of "We Don't Talk About Bruno"!