WAUKESHA, WI - After the horrific attack on the Waukesha Christmas Parade, local authorities were quick to announce that the terror attack had nothing to do with terrorism.
"Let me be perfectly clear," began the local Police Chief. "This terrorist attack wasn't terrorism at all. It was simply the unlawful use of violence and intimidation, especially against civilians, usually in pursuit of political aims."
"While horrible, that's a completely different thing than terrorism," he added.
The media quickly published the articles confirming that the attack was not terror-related in any way, which they had written ahead of time, in preparation for the press conference.
"It's important to remember that the suspect in custody was not driven by the hatred we in the media have stirred up in the country for the past decade," said CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer. "It was simply the unlawful use of violence against civilians. Or maybe, it was just a random car that made a wrong turn. I guess we'll never know!"
The media is responding to the press conference by calling for the banning of SUVs like the one used in the attack.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: