LOS ANGELES, CA — Taylor Swift released a new single today entitled "I Knew You Were Trouble When You Hauled In 7 Receptions For 69 Yards And A TD Against The Bears".
"Who is this mystery man?" wondered Swifties as they crashed servers downloading the new song. "It's like Taylor left us this incredible scavenger hunt. She's such a GENIUS!"
According to studio sources, Ms. Swift recorded the song immediately after leaving Arrowhead Stadium. "The lyrics, they just reach into your soul," said local woman Kelsey Reagen. "Like when she talks about him having 12.9 fantasy points and coming up a yard short - that's like, the story of my life. Excuse me, I just need a moment."
Though speculation has swirled about the identity of her new beau, Ms. Swift has thus far stayed mum on the subject. "I'm not ready to share that part of my life with the world yet," said the singer-songwriter. "It's all so fresh and new. When I was leaving Arrowhead stadium from the suite of an All-Star tight end, hiding in a popcorn machine to escape from fans, I realized - we need space to figure out what this is. Trust me - the world will know when I'm ready."
At publishing time, Ms. Swift had announced that her next single would be "Teardrops On My Number 87 Kansas City Chiefs Jersey".
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
