HOLLYWOOD, CA — As news of a tentative agreement between Hollywood studios and the Writers Guild of America broke, television and film writers expressed excitement and renewed vigor to return to the important work of destroying the entertainment world's most popular and beloved franchises.
"Let's destroy some childhoods!" said screenwriter Greg Valentine. "We've been out of work for months, and I've spent the entire time coming up with some amazing ideas for deconstructing and tainting the legacies of pop culture's most sacred and highly-regarded intellectual properties. You thought The Last Jedi was bad? You ain't seen nothin' yet, folks!"
Fans around the globe shuddered in horror at the thought of an entire guild of writers being unleashed once again to pervert and sully their favorite franchises and characters. "Oh no, what are they going to do? What?!" asked terrified film fan Cody Callow. "I was hoping the strike would keep going longer than this. Haven't they done enough damage? What's next? A trans James Bond? Ethan Hunt renouncing his American citizenship in the next Mission: Impossible movie? Make it stop!"
The returning writers seemed undeterred by the reservations expressed by fans. "They'll never be able to stop us!" Valentine continued. "We are endless fountains of creativity! When we're not completely undercutting decades of classic storytelling by rebooting beloved old movies, we're just churning out tired, repetitive Marvel sequels. We are a tidal wave of destruction. Get out of our way or get steamrolled, baby!"
At publishing time, Disney had already announced a new LGBTQ-friendly animated reboot of the live-action version of the original animated source material of The Lion King.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
