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Christian Filmmakers Unveil Epic Cinematic Universe

U.S.—Christian filmmakers have come together for what's being called the most ambitious crossover in history: the Christian Cinematic Universe.

The CCU will feature dozens of your favorite heroes starring in standalone films and then coming together for big crossover movies that will "literally blow your mind."

"Somewhere on the edge of the galaxy, Joel Osteen sits brooding in darkness on a pile of cash," a synopsis for the story arc of Phase 1 of the CCU reads. "He aims to collect all the Salvation Stones, snap his fingers, and erase the biblical gospel and all true believers from existence."

The heroes will have to unite to stop him, of course. 

"Whatever it takes," growls Nicolas Cage's Bibleman in one scene as he and Kirk Cameron sneak aboard Osteen's luxury spaceship to stop him from acquiring the final Salvation Stone. Bibleman, Cameron, LarryBoy, and Psalty set a trap for Osteen on a distant planet, putting a big pile of cash in the middle of a crater and hoping that Osteen takes the bait.

Kirk Cameron prays and asks God to reveal to him all the possible futures He's predestined for them.

"How many futures did you see?" growls Bibleman.

"One, the one God preordained since before the creation of the world, of course," replies Cameron happily.

Just then, Osteen arrives, and the heroes are ready for him.

Kirk Cameron distracts him by preaching the Way of the Master to him---Osteen's greatest weakness. As he's slowly losing power from the gospel attack, LarryBoy swings in with his super-suction ears and starts pummeling him, putting him in a real pickle. Bibleman growls something about his parents getting shot, and Psalty starts singing praises to the Lord while he punches Osteen in the face.

Osteen's finally down for the count, but he whispers, "Martha," and Bibleman is distracted.

"WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?!" he growls, giving Osteen enough time to slip away with the pile of cash and the final Salvation Stone.

You'll have to catch the film in theatres to find out what happens next.

Confirmed heroes will include the following and dozens more:

  • Bibleman (Nicolas Cage)
  • LarryBoy (voiced by Christian Bale)
  • Psalty the Songbook (Kevin Sorbo)
  • The Donut Man (Larry David)
  • Colby the Computer (voiced by Dan Castellaneta)
  • McGee (Gary Busey)
  • The Chick-fil-A Cow (herself)
  • Joel Osteen (himself)
  • Tim Tebow (himself)
  • Zidgel Penguin (Bob the Penguin from Mr. Popper's Penguins)
  • Gizmo the Superbook Robot (voiced by Tom Waits)
  • Superbook's Chris (voice  dubbed by Veronica Taylor)
  • Superbook's Joy (voiced dubbed by Johnny Yong Bosch)       

The epic CCU will have an unprecedented budget of $100,000 and is estimated to make just over $17.

Celebrate the Christian Cinematic Universe now by getting your very own glorious poster.

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