BURBANK, CA—Disney has acquired exclusive rights to all the breathable oxygen in the atmosphere. Breathing will now be exclusively available on the company's new Disney+ streaming platform.
For the bargain price of just $52.4 billion, the Walt Disney Company purchased every molecule of oxygen in the entire atmosphere, giving the company the rights to begin charging for the privilege of breathing.
"For just $6.99/month, you can experience the magic of DisneyAir™," said a spokesperson. "We're not saying Disney+ subscriptions are technically mandatory, but we definitely highly recommend them for the good of your health."
While the basic subscription will allow breathing for the entire year, it will also contain blackout dates on which Disney lawyers will arrest you for breathing unless you update to the company's Diamond or Platinum packages for $3,000.00 and $4,000.00 respectively.
"We're excited to bring the Walt Disney brand experience to the beloved human pastime of turning oxygen into carbon dioxide," company president Robert Igor said Thursday. "Just look at what we did with Marvel and Star Wars—you can expect the same kind of loving, corporate approach to touch every moment of your day now that we own the very air you breathe."
At publishing time, Disney had announced a "gritty reboot" of the chemical element oxygen would be coming sometime next year.