You've heard everyone talk about it. "When you look at the end of the Roman Empire and the current state of America, you can't help but see the parallels!" It's time to dig down and discover just how true that is.
The Babylon Bee is on the case, presenting the following list of shocking similarities between the later years of the Roman Empire and today's United States:
- Russell Crowe was present in both periods: Today, he's an Academy Award-winning actor. Back then, he was Commander of the Armies of the North and the Felix Legions. A truly striking parallel.
- A frightening number of men wore skirts in public back then, just like today: A clear indicator that the American empire is in its final stages.
- Historians believe Rome collapsed shortly after the loss of the Little Caesars $5 Hot-n-Ready pizza: Uh-oh...
- Too many penalty flags were thrown during sporting events: It took away the enjoyment of gladiator matches. The NFL is refusing to learn a lesson from history.
- Most of the Senators were gay: Sound familiar? Hmmmm?
- Politicians gained power by promising people free stuff: It's a little-known fact that Obamaphones played a huge role in Julius Caesar's rise to prominence.
- The emperor's son did tons of drugs and bought prostitutes: To be fair, so did the emperor.
- The military was once the greatest force on earth but was taken over by a bunch of lily-livered sissies: Not good!
- The man in charge took power without being elected: Just like today.
The similarities are uncanny! You all might as well accept the truth and just wait to be conquered by the Visigoths.
NOT SATIRE: History. Economics. The Great Works of Literature. The Meaning of the U.S. Constitution. Time and technology have changed a lot of things, but they have not changed the truths about the world and our place in it.
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.