WASHINGTON, DC — Following the assassination attempt of presidential candidate Donald Trump, the Secret Service admitted the Head of Security at the event was Police Chief Clancy Wiggum.
"Uhhh, yeah guys," Wiggum said in the press conference. "I definitely was highly qualified to oversee the, uh, security of, uh, President Daryl Tremp or whatever his name is. Now I will not, uh, be taking questions as it's time for Ralphy and me to switch out his bedsheets. That kid will never learn."
Secret Service says Wiggum has been on the force since 1989 when he started on a smaller, lesser-known network security detail. He later moved to the coveted Fox Team 6 before taking his assignment to guard the former president at Saturday's rally.
"I apologize for placing someone so clearly incompetent to head up Trump's security at this event," Mayor Joseph Fitzgerald O'Malley Fitzpatrick O'Donnell The Edge "Joe" Quimby said. "I will never put that talking tub of donut batter in a position of power again as long as all you old people agree to vote for me. Vote Quimby!"
As of publishing time, Wiggum had been moved over to security detail for the local church picnic.
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