BEIJING - Chinese President Xi Jinping has reportedly looked on Prime Minister Justin Trudeau's handling of Canadian protesters with surprise, describing it as "monstrous" and "heavy-handed."
"I'm shocked by Trudeau's horrific mistreatment of his own people," said President Xi Jinping while helping himself to a jar of honey. "He's being very heavy-handed with these protesters. It's shameful!"
Xi, who polices his own people for thought crimes, suggested that Trudeau try a more subtle approach. "I'm constantly throwing people in prison," he said. "But I do so discreetly while silencing anyone who speaks of it."
"Please understand," he continued. "I believe he should throw them all in camps to make shoes for the Americans. But he's openly criticizing them - giving their cause a voice."
"It's a rookie move."
Trudeau, who has referred to people sitting in their trucks as violent protesters sieging the city, has claimed that he only desires to crush his citizens under the jackboot of tyranny, revel in their cries of anguish, and scatter their wasted corpses to the wind.
"I don't see what's so heavy-handed about that," said Trudeau.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.