JERUSALEM - Historians have discovered new evidence that when God provided miraculous bread to feed the Israelites in the wilderness after their exodus from Egypt, Israelite children refused to eat the manna until their moms had carefully removed the crust.
"After poring over a trove of newly found scrolls, it seems the ancient Israelite children were every bit as whiny as their parents," said Old Testament scholar Nikolai Popov. "These new documents show children frequently complained about leaving slavery in Egypt, saying 'at least in Egypt we had ham and cheese Lunchables!' They also demanded their moms cut the manna into fun shapes like 'Mount Horeb' or 'Pillar of Fire'."
The children also were reportedly unimpressed with miraculous quail, instead begging every night for hot dogs and macaroni. Parents did eventually take their concerns to Moses, who looked up to the sky and said, "Just kill me now, O Lord." So, the hot dog matter was dropped.
As the Israelites approached the land of Caanan, parents began to entice their kids to eat dinner with the promise of a new land filled with dessert. However, the children were unmoved by mere honey, vowing to hold out for a land of "chocolate frosted sugar bombs."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
