Worship Leader Entirely Unaware Church Has A Bassist
Church · Apr 19, 2019 · BabylonBee.com

CANTWELL, MI - Chuck Fritz, bassist in the worship band at Grace On Fire Community Church in Cantwell says that the band's worship leader, Garret Milner, still has no idea he exists. This was confirmed last Sunday when, during a mid-song prayer, Milner prayed, "Lord, hear our guitar, our piano, our tambourine, our drums. Hear our song lifted up to you..." 

"He mentioned the tambourine and not the bass. It's pretty clear he doesn't even know I'm back here," said Fritz. "I think part of it is the fog machine. I tend to be lost in a heavy mist most of the time we are playing." 

Reporters asked church pastor Mark Horwick if he felt the bassist should be given more acknowledgment. The pastor appeared confused by the question.

"I'm not sure what he does. Every once in a while I catch a glimpse of his silhouette in the stage fog, but I'm not sure I actually hear anything coming out of that guitar he's got. Maybe he needs a guitar pick?" Upon closer inspection, Henson asked, "Who is this guy again?"

In an interview, worship leader Milner only responded by singing short stanzas from worship songs and inviting reporters to join him in a time of inner reflection. When attempts were made to redirect the conversation back to the man playing bass directly behind him, Milner increased his singing volume and went up an octave. Reporters concluded that it may be possible that Milner is unaware that anyone is present on the stage, or anywhere around him at all in day-to-day life, ever. "He lives in his own little world," one reporter observed.

Fritz says he still enjoys his time playing bass on Sunday mornings, as it is his only musical outlet since the days he played bass in popular local rock band, MADDOX in the mid 80's, though has since become a manager at Roto-Rooter. "I had a lot more hair back then," Fritz chuckled. "I used to really rock out. I could slap, pop, sweep... I was like lightning. But you can't do that during worship."

"That's one thing about being a bassist in church, the best way to keep your job is to remain unnoticed," Fritz said.

Fritz is referring to former worship band bass player Chaz Conway who attempted a slap-bass riff during "Great Are You Lord" and was immediately excommunicated from the church. 

Fritz says as long as he gets to tickle some strings every Sunday, he's fine with the obscurity. "I play bass to glorify God, not be noticed by man," Fritz remarked.

Whether or not even God notices bassists remains a topic of debate among most theologians, though most take the position that he most likely does not.


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