WASHINGTON, D.C. — Left without other practical options in a city overwhelmed by violent crime, President Donald Trump reportedly decided to dispense vigilante justice by dressing up like a giant bat and patrolling the streets of D.C.
Following increased incidents of assaults and other crimes perpetrated in the nation's capital, reports began to surface of sightings of a "Bat-Trump" terrorizing criminals and stopping them in their tracks.
"I'm not the hero D.C. deserves, but the one it needs right now," Trump told reporters when asked about his moonlighting as a vigilante crimefighter. "I was watching what these thugs have been doing to this beautiful city, and I thought, ‘Why not take care of this problem myself?' I've got billions of dollars to spend on gadgets and vehicles, I've got a high-tech underground headquarters here at the White House… and, let's face it, I'm a strong guy. Very strong. So I've been spending my nights swinging around and beating up criminals. You should see the looks on their faces. They're scared, believe me."
According to one criminal apprehended by Bat-Trump, the ordeal was terrifying. "It was the scariest thing I've ever seen," the suspect allegedly told police. "He dangled me off a rooftop, and I told him, ‘I'll stop committing crimes, I swear to God!' and he screamed in my face, ‘SWEAR TO ME!' You should've seen the size of his hands. Please keep me in jail. I can't go back out there with that monster."
At publishing time, President Trump had reportedly ordered staffers to outfit Vice President JD Vance with a red costume with a yellow cape and green Speedos to wear as his sidekick.
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