RICHMOND, VA — Local woman Shayleigh Jennings is reportedly growing worried that her eyebrows might not be stupid enough after a long look in the mirror this week.
Shayleigh's concerns were also prompted by her nine hours on social media yesterday comparing her own natural, well-kempt eyebrows to the outlandish and downright silly ones worn by influencers and her peers.
"There's just so much pressure these days," said Shayleigh. "It just feels like for a woman to be beautiful she has to have hideously unattractive and distracting eyebrows. And I'm afraid mine are just too normal for any man to ever really love me."
After consulting with cosmetic experts and surgeons, Shayleigh says she has a number of options for upping her stupid eyebrow game. Brow implants could give her that weird ridiculously bushy look that is currently all the rage or she could also consider getting distractingly symmetrical eyebrows tattooed on.
At publishing time, Shayleigh had returned to the mirror to paint some hideously unnatural eyebrows on her face.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
