U.S. — Trump's newly announced running mate JD Vance prepared to campaign with the former President today by donning a Kevlar helmet and body armor.
"I'm honored to have been picked to run alongside Donald Trump as a candidate for Vice President," said the young Senator from Ohio as he tightened the straps on his ballistic vest. "I will do everything in my power to survive until November 5th."
Vance then dove for cover as several bullets whizzed overhead.
Sources within the Republican Party expressed general approval of Trump's pick and expressed their wishes for Vance to avoid being shot, stabbed, run over, or blown up by a radical Leftist between now and the election. "As long as he keeps his head on a swivel and wears that body armor, he should be ok," said RNC Chair Michael Whatley.
RNC Chair Whatley then rolled out of the way of several deadly blow darts that had just been shot from a passing Subaru.
Biden also responded, saying, "We have to paint a target on Vance. Also Trump. That's two targets. And I'm not saying someone should kill them because I denounce all political violence. But they should be eliminated. Or they should somehow die. But I'm not calling for violence because, uh... erm... well, anyway."
At publishing time, Vance had taken an additional step to protect himself by purchasing a Cybertruck.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
