U.S. — As a part of the $50 billion aid package being sent to Ukraine, Congress has also offered to throw in one $5 billion wall that's just lying around at the southern border not being used.
"We have this wall that we're not using, I dunno, do you guys in Ukraine want it?" asked Senator Mitch McConnell during Zelensky's D.C. trip. "It's a pretty good wall. A little rusty, maybe, but it should help you secure your borders, which are the most important borders on earth. We don't believe in borders around here in Washington." McConnell finished speaking and then crawled under a nearby UV heat lamp to recharge his energy.
Senate leaders confirmed that the entire 700-mile stretch of unused wall is being written into the omnibus bill. an additional $120 billion has been allocated for the removal, transportation, and installation of the wall at its new home in Ukraine. "This is the right thing to do," said Senator Mitt Romney in a statement. "Every true, patriotic American should support this for some reason. I just can't think of what the reason is right now. Don't worry, I'll think of it!"
Several Republicans in Congress disagree with the move, insisting that Ukraine should pay for the transportation and install themselves.
At publishing time, members of Congress also offered to throw in an old Constitution they forgot they had.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
