Is your husband cheating on you? We here at the Babylon Bee hate marital infidelity, so we consulted marriage experts to learn all the troubling signs to look for when a man isn't being faithful.
Wives, look for these sure signs your husband is having an affair.
- He has a female coworker: An all-too-common giveaway of a sordid, passionate affair.
- He cheats on you in a dream: If that's what he's doing in your dream, imagine what he's doing in his dream! Sickening.
- He concentrates hard on his work while he's at work: Call your Mom now to have her prepare a room for you and the kids.
- He admits to having had other girlfriends before you met: Once a player, always a player – you should have listened to your sisters' warnings about him after their first impressions 19 years ago.
- He takes too long in the bathroom: What else could he be doing but texting his second family?
- He answers your call on the second ring: If he does this or takes over 30 seconds to text you back, immediately use "Find iPhone"'s alarm to shatter his eardrums and break up his flirting session with that hussy receptionist. Save your marriage!
- A woman signed his 9th-grade yearbook "Have A Good Summer": The only acceptable response is to confront him and demand the truth. "Well well well, who is this ‘Ellie'??"
- He sends his army captain to the front lines of the fiercest battle so he'll be killed after walking out on a balcony and seeing a woman bathing: Oh no! You've been replaced by Bathsheba!
- He sounds a little too eager to give his name to the Starbucks drive-through barista: Why doesn't he have that sing-song voice when you're adding to his "honey-do list"? It all makes sense now.
- When you ask what he's thinking about he says "nothing": Dead giveaway – men may be mysterious, but this one's just a full-blown admission.
And there you have it. Now go forth and see right through your husband's dirty tricks – and let us know if that dirtbag has any other habits that show he's a lying cheat!
World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.