CANTON, OH — Selfish local toddler Madeleine Russell completely failed to appreciate how fabulous and Instagram-worthy her first birthday party was.
"The ungrateful little brute," said Madeleine's aunt Leslie. "It's like the elaborate hors d'oeuvres being arranged into a six-foot flower bouquet was totally lost on her."
Despite eleven months of arranging professional magicians and acrobats, many of the party's most remarkable details seemed to go unnoticed by the guest of honor. "The magician literally sawed a lady in half, and Madeline didn't even bat an eyelash," said mother Lisa Russell. "She threw such a fit about wanting her cupcakes, I'm not sure she even saw the guy get shot out of a cannon. Ugh, it almost makes me feel like all the work I did sewing Victorian-era costumes for every guest was a waste."
Though party-goers tried to remain cordial, the one-year-old's total unappreciation of the five-piece string ensemble became unavoidably awkward. "This is so embarrassing," said neighbor Janet Reese. "Here we have beautifully choreographed dancers busting out of papier-mache eggs, and Madeline is over there banging the wall with cymbals and trying to eat her own elbow. Does she have no shame?"
Reports indicate that Madeline further heaped humiliation on her parents by crudely smashing her face into the life-sized unicorn cake.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
