BUTNER, NC — In a tragic development, invitations to the Unabomber's funeral were sent out via mail, but no one has yet been willing to open one.
"Seems like a bad idea," said former neighbor Daniel Jones, as he laid the invitation aside. "One more bomb in the mail would just be so like Ted."
Despite sending out over a hundred invitations, the Unabomber's family has yet to receive a single RSVP. "I know he was a criminal, but I would have at least expected to hear from a few people saying they weren't coming," said nephew Samuel Kaczynski. "It's been total radio silence though. It's the weirdest thing."
Old co-workers of the Unabomber, whose real name was Ted Kaczynski, were reportedly caught off guard after receiving posthumous certified mail from Mr. Kaczynski. "I'm, uh, not here right now," said former co-worker John Mason, as the mailman asked him to sign for the letter. "I'm sure Ted got past that phase, but I wouldn't literally bet my life on it. I'm sure the post office can just return it to the sender, or whatever they do with bombs - er, undelivered mail."
At publishing time, the Kaczynski family sought to reassure people that the invitations being sent in the mail were home-made.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
