ISRAEL — King Solomon really broke out the romance, telling his wife today that he truly thinks of her as one in a thousand.
"I really mean that," said King Solomon. "Though honestly, your neck stands out so much from the others, I'm going to go write some poetry about it."
According to ancient texts, King Solomon initially kept track of his wives by their most notable physical characteristics. "Okay, that one is flock-of-sheep-teeth," said King Solomon. "That one is goats-of-Gilead hair. Obviously, that one is Mrs. Fawns. Her, I don't know - maybe pomegranate forehead? I'm starting to lose track."
As the number of wives grew higher, King Solomon eventually gave up and resorted to a number system. "You are totally one in a thousand, babe. Specifically, let's call you five-hundred seventy-two," said King Solomon. "Also, if you could wear this handy cloak with your number on it, that would be fantastic."
King Solomon reportedly realized he may have made a mistake housing his wives together when eight-hundred of them had their cycles synced up.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
