U.S. — The official state religion of the United States entered its High Holy Days today, with worshippers around the nation being called to rededicate themselves in submission and obedience to its holy teachings.
"I am urging all Americans to publicly bend the knee before our sacred rainbow symbol," said President Biden in an address to the nation. "Let us all take the time to pray and feast before our god of prideful human flesh, and before its sacred messengers, the genitals. We are a nation of Pride, blessings be upon its name. Just celebrate it, folks! Not a joke! Ok, can I have my snack now?"
Holy prophets in public schools, corporate DEI departments, and Target supermarkets have been dispatched across the land to bear witness to the glories of Pride and destroy the lives of those who refuse to publically worship the vengeful deity. "Blasphemy will not be tolerated," said Divine Elder Mixie Vavoom, (they/them). "We are the eyes and ears of Pride, and we are watching you."
The High Holy Days of Pride will conclude this weekend with 1000 abortions and 1000 gender surgeries performed publically on the steps of the White House.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
