WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to widespread public outcry following the indictment of former President Donald Trump, Joe Biden has ordered the military to shoot anyone who dares to refer to the United States as a "banana republic."

"Listen up, folks. The United States is not a banana republic. Got it?" Biden said sternly in brief remarks to members of the media at the White House. "That's just a bunch of malarky and anyone who tries to say it will be dragged into the street and executed. I don't even like bananas. Greetenbarzarfit!"

The Biden administration has been accused of totalitarianism and weaponization of the Department of Justice against political opponents and dissidents, largely due to Biden implementing totalitarianism and weaponizing the Department of Justice against political opponents and dissidents. The White House continues to refute such claims. "This administration does not engage in oppressive tactics," said black lesbian White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is also a lesbian who is black. "Any claims to the contrary can only come from enemies of the state and will be met with swift and vengeful force to permanently silence them."

Attempts were made to reach prominent critics of the administration for comment, but many of them were being held in federal custody without trial or under gag orders due to pending indictments.

At publishing time, as the Biden administration was issuing its latest denial of exercising dictatorial rule, it was simultaneously ordering the construction of a large number of gallows to line the streets of Washington, D.C. to prepare for mass public hangings.

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