U.S. — In response to the recent indictment by a federal grand jury for the mishandling of classified information, Donald Trump's attorneys have argued all 37 charges should be dropped because their client was simply bored of reading the back of the shampoo bottle whenever he had an extended toilet sit.

"All Americans have a right to sensible reading material during any bowel evacuation," said attorney Todd Blanche. "Threatening someone with a life sentence for treason because of a little light reading while on the toilet is something I never thought I'd witness in this great country."

"This is not my America," he added, a single tear sliding down his cheek.

Thus far, challenges to Trump's indictment have been dismissed. A federal judge argued the former president could have read literally anything in the bathroom. "Why wasn't he reading Michael Crichton's Congo instead of old nuclear codes? This argument doesn't hold water."

At publishing time, lawyers had found themselves in a difficult position once again after Trump announced an exciting new release of special edition classified document NFTs.

Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.