U.S. — The votes are in. The people have spoken. Donald J. Trump, the 45th President of the United States, has just won his third presidential election in a row.
While Electoral College votes are still yet to be ratified, Trump's victory marks an achievement attained by only two predecessors in American history: Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Gladys O'Brian, the 235th head of the Nappanee, Indiana Women's Commissioner Club.
"We did it, and no one has ever seen anything like it in the history of mankind, or maybe even the world," said an elated Trump to supporters. "Three elections in a row. We call that a HAT TRICK of elections. Very hard to do, no one's ever done it before, but we did. So incredible and very special."
US cities have not yet fallen into street warfare, rioting, and looting. The election results, however, have sparked a firestorm on X, where Democrats including AOC, Nanci Pelosi, Michelle Obama, and David French have publicly demanded a best-two-out-of-three election, winner-take-all.
Experts are already predicting that this unprecedented 3-election streak will lead to the deaths of several billion people from Nazis, climate change, and no abortions. Casualties in metropolitan areas and newsrooms across the country are reportedly mounting up already, as the entire staff of the New York Times died over three times in a row when they were forced to announce the news.
At publishing time, President-Elect Trump had assumed his shotgun seat in Garbage Truck One and headed back to his house in D.C.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
