U.S. — Things went from bad to worse for the Trump campaign damage control team, as new reports surfaced that former President Donald Trump faced fresh allegations that he had inappropriately touched the hearts of millions of Americans.
The latest scandal threatened to impact the upcoming presidential election, as millions of accusers from every state began to pour in. Victims of all ages and from across the socio-economic spectrum claimed to have been truly touched by Trump.
"We've never seen so many people come forward to accuse one person," said FBI investigator Damon Chandler. "Political scandals are a common thing, but I've never seen one man face allegations from millions of victims. I don't know how anyone could vote for someone after such scurrilous accusations."
According to investigators, the incidents allegedly began in the second half of 2015 shortly after Trump announced his candidacy for president and continued throughout the next several years, with the number of victims rising into the tens of millions. "It appears that more than half of the country has been touched by Trump," Chandler said. "We're currently working to determine how many of these cases were consensual. If Trump somehow manages to get elected again, we have no idea how many more victims will have their hearts touched by Trump."
At publishing time, former President Bill Clinton had reportedly expressed admiration at how many people Trump had allegedly touched and had reached out to Trump personally to find out how he managed to do it.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
