While every state in the Union is way better than France, each has its upsides and downsides. We at The Babylon Bee have collected for you the biggest pros and cons of living in all fifty of these United States:
Alabama
Pro: Unlikely to be a target in a nuclear attack.
Con: Punishable by death to finish a conversation without saying, "Roll Tide!"
Alaska
Pro: Beautiful nature and solitude.
Con: Everything in the beautiful nature and solitude is trying to kill you.
Arizona
Pro: It's a dry heat.
Con: The dry heat is 379 degrees Fahrenheit.
Arkansas
Pro: Birthplace of Walmart, also known as "Not Target".
Con: The Clintons started burying their enemies there.
California
Pro: You can steal anything you want up to $950 and nobody will stop you.
Con: There's no electricity, so you have to do all your stealing in the dark.
Colorado
Pro: The Rockies (mountain range).
Con: The Rockies (baseball team).
Connecticut
Pro: Was the headquarters for ESPN back when it covered sports.
Con: Is still the headquarters for ESPN now that it covers the WNBA.
Delaware
Pro: Endless supply of classified documents everywhere you look.
Con: If you go to the beach, may have to see Joe Biden shirtless.
Florida
Pro: Ron DeSantis.
Con: Donald Trump.
(This list item was paid for by Ron DeSantis for President 2024)
Georgia
Pro: Chick-fil-A.
Con: Everywhere you look, you can't help but see Stacey Abrams.
Hawaii
Pro: Tropical island paradise.
Con: Island can erupt at any moment if sacrifices aren't made to the volcano god.
Idaho
Pro: Incredible fly fishing.
Con: Brian Stelter could turn up at any minute.
Illinois
Pro: One slice of Chicago pizza feeds a family of 5 for a week.
Con: You can't eat the pizza because you have to be in shape to run from mobs. Also, you can't say "mobs".
Indiana
Pro: Race cars and basketball.
Con: Stray bullets sometimes fly over the border from Chicago.
Iowa
Pro: Tons of beer.
Con: You need to drink tons of beer because you're in Iowa.
Kansas
Pro: Tornadoes don't happen every day.
Con: Tornadoes do happen sometimes and people just live there like it's a normal thing.
Kentucky
Pro: Resting place of Noah's actual ark.
Con: No one can agree on how Louisville is pronounced. This is actually what started the American Civil War.
Louisiana
Pro: Incredible food.
Con: You have just died of diabetes.
Maine
Pro: Lobsters and the world's largest globe.
Con: Stephen King could appear at any moment to lecture you about Trump.
Maryland
Pro: It's not technically Washington, D.C.
Con: Swamp creatures from Washington, D.C. constantly roaming over the southern border.
Massachusetts
Pro: It's the home of the Patriots (a pro for Patriots fans).
Con: It's the home of the Patriots (a con for everyone else in the country).
Michigan
Pro: Everything that's not Detroit.
Con: Detroit.
Minnesota
Pro: Invented by Laura Ingalls Wilder.
Con: All police have been replaced with a giant suggestion box down at City Hall.
Mississippi
Pro: You get to eat lots of delicious food.
Con: The mosquitoes get to eat YOU.
Missouri
Pro: Low cost of living, lots of land, great real estate prices.
Con: You live in Missouri.
Montana
Pro: There's nothing but wide-open land.
Con: No, seriously, there's nothing but wide-open land.
Nebraska
Pro: Vast corn fields with occasional friendly people amongst the corn.
Con: Entire identity still built around being good at football thirty years ago.
Nevada
Pro: You could strike it rich in the casino.
Con: You won't.
New Hampshire
Pro: The slogan is "Live free or die", a libertarian philosophy.
Con: This slogan has attracted many libertarians.
New Jersey
Pro: Cool TV shows like Jersey Shore.
Con: If that's the pro, we're not even going to tell you what the con is.
New Mexico
Pro: Weird Al wrote an epic song about Albuquerque.
Con: Everyone asks you if you've seen the places from Breaking Bad.
New York
Pro: Low crime thanks to the efforts of your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.
Con: Spider-Man isn't real and you've just been mugged.
North Carolina
Pro: Hurricanes (hockey team).
Con: Hurricanes (like, LITERAL HURRICANES).
North Dakota
Pro: Funny accents like in the movie Fargo.
Con: If you forget to close a window you freeze to death.
Ohio
Pro: It's not Michigan.
Con: It's Ohio.
Oklahoma
Pro: All the Californians are moving to Texas instead of here.
Con: Several times a year a massive tornado will threaten to murder you.
Oregon
Pro: Beautiful beaches, trees, and mountains.
Con: Like a cancerous tumor in a healthy lung, Portland exists.
Pennsylvania
Pro: You can live in an uppity city or in the backwoods country with the Amish.
Con: PennDOT.
(note: we have no clue what this means, but our Bee writer from Pennsylvania said locals will find this hilarious. If you locals don't like it, please let us know and he will be sacked).
Rhode Island
Pro: Everything is close together.
Con: Not an actual island - false advertising.
South Carolina
Pro: Amazing food, golf, and beaches. Surprisingly cool pirate history.
Con: There are more alligators than people, and they are surprisingly organized.
South Dakota
Pro: Mount Rushmore.
Con: Mount Rushmore still doesn't have Trump's face on it.
(Ron DeSantis did not pay us enough money to sponsor this list item).
Tennessee
Pro: Incredible music scene.
Con: It's country music.
Texas
Pro: It's such a great place to live that all the Californians are moving here and becoming conservatives and voting for Republicans to keep Texas red.
Con: Wait - what? They're moving there and voting for the same policies that ruined the state they left? Why in tarnation would they do that?!
Utah
Pro: Lots of big families and friendly people.
Con: Hard to remember if your neighbor's 7th kid is named Rayleighlynn or Reighlynnleigh.
Vermont
Pro: Fall foliage, maple syrup.
Con: Statistically speaking, you're pretty likely to be living next to one of Bernie Sanders' homes.
Virginia
Pro: Long history of political philosophy and secession.
Con: You're getting a bit too close to those rich men north of Richmond.
Washington
Pro: Most of the state is not Seattle and is actually quite nice.
Con: Overrun with teenage girls looking for the places where Twilight was shot.
West Virginia
Pro: The mountains are gorgeous.
Con: You have to spend your entire life inside the mountains getting coal.
Wisconsin
Pro: They make incredible beer and cheese.
Con: Future Hall-Of-Fame quarterback just left the Packers for the Jets. The JETS.
Wyoming
Pro: Very remote and secretive.
Con: It may not exist. Have you ever met anyone from there?
Did we get your state wrong? Shout angrily at your computer screen, or become a subscriber and let us know in the comments!
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
