THE WILDERNESS — After God miraculously supplied the Israelites with water, the Israelites asked if Moses could possibly strike another rock to make it pour forth Sunny D.
"Boy, some Sunny D would really hit the spot right now, Moses," said Eliphelet. "All I'm saying is there's nothing like cool, refreshing Sunny D after a long day hiking in the wilderness."
Though initially thankful for God saving their lives with miraculous water, the Israelites quickly tired of having nothing but water to drink. "There are rocks all over the place - you're telling me Moses can't smack one more with his rod and get some Sunny D flowing?" said the disgruntled tribe of Benjamin. "Or how about one that dispenses coffee? The Lord can't really expect us to worship Him without our morning coffee. We're not asking much here."
Moses reportedly burned with anger in response, having only yesterday beseeched the Lord to save Israel with water. "All for you, Israel, God stretched out his hand to overcome Pharoah, the Egyptian army, the Red Sea, starvation, thirst, and now you want SUNNY D??" cried Moses. "I've had it with you fools! I'm going back up the mountain again."
Having no luck getting Sunny D, the Israelites decided to ask Moses if he could talk to the Lord about sending some miraculous Cheetos along with the manna.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
