NEW YORK CITY — New York City has moved to adopt a new system whereby the mayorship will be awarded to the first candidate who can bench press the bar.
The contest promises to be exciting, with oddsmakers giving Zohran Mamdani a fifty percent chance of dying.
"This is way better than voting," said local man Dean Parson. "We can watch all these sissies struggle and cry, plus there's a non-zero chance we kill off a few of the weaker candidates. Win-win."
According to sources, the rules stipulate that the candidates must perform one bench press with a standard forty-five-pound bar, without the help of a spotter. "Just the bar, that's all we're asking," said city official Ben McMath. "In the highly likely event that no candidate can perform a single bench press, the candidates will attempt to perform increasingly embarrassing exercises until a candidate succeeds. We're hoping it turns out to be completely and utterly humiliating for everyone involved."
At publishing time, Mamdani had tragically been crushed to death while training with five-pound yoga dumbbells.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
