WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House National Climate Task Force reported today that NASA scientists have discovered a mysterious spike in global warming every year between June and August.
"We're completely stumped," said Bob McMahon, White House National Climate Task Force spokesman. "Our satellite data confirms global warming keeps happening in America during these same months, almost like clockwork. Even stranger, global warming seems to hit South America in different months. Bizarre."
Mr. McMahon went on to detail evidence of a massive rise in temperature occurring every year between the months of June and August, noting that in some places temperatures even reach over 100 degrees. "This year's global warming is shaping up to be just as hot as last year's," said Mr. McMahon. "We don't know why climate change strikes during these months, but we suspect it's all the extra carbon emissions from people using air conditioning."
Despite the compelling evidence, some scientists still disputed Mr. McMahon's findings. "If the globe gets so hot every August, why am I sitting here wearing a sweater?" asked climate scientist Rachel Evanson. "And why am I having my husband carry around an extra coat and scarf? Ugh, it's freezing in here."
At publishing time, the Climate Task Force had decided to take action by making Google Maps tell people it's really hot outside whenever they ask for directions.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
