AUSTIN, TX - The Texas Department of Transportation confirmed today that in order to help with traffic congestion in major cities and other high-traffic areas, the entire state will have express lanes installed for guys in cowboy hats driving lifted pickup trucks alone.
While other states have rewarded drivers of electric cars and carpoolers, Texas says they're doing something a little different. Tough guys driving lifted F-150s and Silverados, as long as they wear a cowboy hat, will be incentivized with faster commutes along the exclusive lanes.
"Listen up here, y'all," said TXDOT spokesperson Golly Chiggins. He paused to spit into his spitoon and holster his revolvers. "This here state ain't like dem yuppies up in Cali-for-ni-yay where you get some kinda reward for savin' the planet and what-not. Here in Texas, we do things just a little bit different, ya hear?"
The gathered press cheered, hooted, and hollered, and began firing their six-shooters up in the air.
"Now, calm down, y'all, I ain't finished," Chiggins said. "We'll have sheriffs out patrollin' to make sure no hippies get on the express lanes in their 'prius mobiles' or what have you. We gotta keep Texas Texas, y'all understand?"
More cheering, hootin', and hollering. More firing of six-shooters into the air. Then someone bashed a tequila bottle over the piano player's head and a mighty-fine brawl broke out. All in all, it was a successful press conference.
At publishing time, sources had confirmed you could also have up to one country girl in your pickup truck as long as you're listening to bro-country and singing about driving your lifted pickup truck on a dusty backroad with your girl up in it.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
