NEW YORK, NY - It's October, and that means women in UGG boots are crowded around the ports to catch sight of the masts of ships returning from their journey to the Orient. For each of those massive wooden ships has a cargo hold filled with pumpkin spice, the fabled spice of autumn.
Pumpkins are only grown on a few mountaintops in Asia. The pumpkins aren't ready to be dried and ground up into valuable pumpkin spice until the end of September. The rare spice is worth more than its weight in gold, though it's so potent that it's said that an ounce of it could kill a man (but not a basic white girl). Because of its value, many ships brave the dangerous waters to fill up with the spice and return it to the states every year.
"Aye, 'twas treacherous waters," said Captain Bellzwigger as he disembarked his vessel, with men unloading crates of spice behind him. "We lost two ships this year. So many lives lost - and I don't even see the appeal of this stuff. But, then again, I don't drink lattes."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
