U.S.
CNN Praises Biden For Causing Sun To Rise In East This Morning

U.S.—CNN and other media outlets praised President Biden for causing the sun to rise this morning. 

"The sun rose again this morning after a long absence," said CNN anchor Don Lemon. "As the sunlight peaked over the mountains, bathing the earth in its warm, shimmering light, like the loving embrace of America's new president, I felt a tingling sense of bubbling peace spring up in my soul and shoot out my fingertips as if I were an empty vessel being filled with some kind of intergalactic energy source used to power alien spaceships. I am a soul reborn. America has been made anew."

According to every credible journalist on TV, President Biden has ushered in an era of hope and light after 4 years of darkness.

Chris Cuomo, in a morning address to the nation, echoed these sentiments, saying: "The midnight rains have washed away the hate and division of the past, like that one scene in The Lion King where Simba roars and Pride Rock is restored to its former glory. As my spirit briefly reflected on the pain and darkness of the last 4 years, I shed a single tear. The restoring rain, falling from the open skies, washed my tear away, never to be seen again. Hope has been reborn, and its name is Joe Biden."

Cuomo then went on to promise he would do his duty and cover the Biden Administration with the same journalistic toughness he had with the Trump Administration. 

Some scientific experts contested the idea that Biden had actually caused the sun to rise, instead suggesting that journalists had never bothered to notice the sunrise over the last 4 years because they were so preoccupied with how much they hated Trump.

The scientific experts were quickly dismissed as bigots and have since been suspended from Twitter.

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