SWEDEN - According to sources in the media, President Biden had an incredible first day in office. After signing executive orders to end racism, global warming, and Republican domestic terrorism, the Norwegian Nobel Committee agreed that this was possibly the best first day in office of any president in history. To recognize this groundbreaking achievement, Biden will be awarded the Nobel Prize in all 6 categories:
- Physics - For miraculously causing the sea levels to lower by signing the Paris Climate Accord
- Chemistry - For his incredible chemistry with the American people
- Medicine - For administering life-saving vaccines to millions of people after Trump selfishly hoarded them in his basement
- Literature - For writing some of the most compelling speeches and most beautiful tweets ever written
- Peace - For ensuring a peaceful transfer of power with 30,000 National Guard troops
- Economic Sciences - For raising the minimum wage-- something no one has ever tried before
"This is astounding. It feels so good to finally have a competent president again," said White House Correspondent Jim Acosta with a tear in his eye.
Biden was scheduled to give an acceptance speech but was rushed to the hospital after swallowing one of the Nobel Prize medals.