NEW YORK, NY — ICE operations to round up and deport undocumented immigrants hit an unexpected snag yesterday, as agents discovered that single men had begun dressing as illegal aliens in hopes that Kristi Noem would detain them.
Immigration agents confirmed that they had mistakenly apprehended multiple single American men who had cleverly disguised themselves as foreign nationals with the goal of having the new Secretary of Homeland Security take custody of them.
"Ay, mami! Come arrest me! I'm totally here illegally!" one man was heard shouting in the street where Noem was leading the raid. "I'm from a different country, okay? I came here without following the proper channels. So illegal. Come slap the cuffs on me, mamacita!"
After being taken into custody, agents eventually identified the man as Tony Henson, a single, white male from Brooklyn. Henson had put on a fake mustache and sombrero in an ingenious attempt to fool federal agents into introducing him to Secretary Noem.
"He almost got away with it," said ICE agent Michael Oxner. "The hat, the mustache… that's what they all look like. It was a foolproof disguise. Unfortunately for him, when our interpreter started to question him in Spanish, he could only respond with the words ‘taco,' ‘burrito,' and ‘chalupa.' That tipped us off. Turns out he only wanted to meet Kristi Noem."
Agents reported that they had encountered approximately 25 single men hoping to be detained by Secretary Noem.
At publishing time, illegal alien men were also reportedly beginning to line up to be frisked by Noem and escorted to a private room for questioning.
Travis is back on his mission to interview everyone. Next on the list is celebrity chef and restauranteur Andrew Gruel.
