BOISE, ID — Local seven-year-old Audrey Williamson tragically fell into a coma today after her mother kindly asked her to put on shoes before going to school.
"We're not sure she will ever recover," said Dr. Roger Evans. "The request to wear shoes was simply more than Audrey could bear. Her body instantly went limp and began shutting down."
Waves of grief and regret over asking Audrey to put shoes on have racked Audrey's mother, Bettina Williamson. "What was I thinking?" she cried. "I should never have been such a harsh mother. Putting shoes on seemed like such a simple task! Only now do I realize the terrible burden I was placing on my daughter. What a fool I've been!"
According to sources, Audrey has suffered in her short life from a variety of mysterious ailments, often triggered by simple pleas from her parents. "Audrey has dealt with several episodes of temporary lower body paralysis, typically precipitated by parents asking her to walk beside them in a parking lot," said Dr. Evans. "She occasionally loses the ability to swallow food, mostly when served bread that has crust on it. So far, we have been unable to find any diagnosis which can explain these unusual neurologic phenomena. Audrey's a medical enigma."
At publishing time, Audrey had miraculously recovered from her coma after Mrs. Williamson asked her little brother if he wanted any waffle fries.
DOGE is here, and Elon and Vivek will eliminate millions of government positions