SAN JOSE, CA — Local man Brad Sandlin thanked his lucky stars today that he had the foresight to take his money out of cryptocurrency and instead keep it safe in Silicon Valley Bank.
"Really dodged a bullet there," said Mr. Sandlin. "Cryptocurrency was getting too risky. You never know when one of these currencies will just suddenly go under."
After years of building diversity in his portfolio, Mr. Sandlin decided that it was time to start playing it safe. "With two kids about to go to college and a career change coming up, I just couldn't afford to take big financial risks," explained Mr. Sandlin. "So, I finally cashed out most of my stocks, crypto, real estate - and just put it all in the bank. It's not exciting, but I can sleep easy knowing our money is secure."
At publishing time, Mr. Sandlin had decided to check out what had been happening in the news after being unplugged for a week.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
