U.S. — Ratings for the 95th Academy Awards skyrocketed this year, as millions tuned in hoping to see Jimmy Kimmel get slapped on live television.
"We have never seen such a tremendous spike in ratings," said ABC producer Lena Wright. "Jimmy Kimmel potentially being smacked in the face has remarkable, unparalleled appeal. It crosses every single demographic."
Despite the Academy Awards' reputation for being a collection of morality lectures from depraved lunatics, the possibility of a guy slapping Jimmy Kimmel was enough to prompt millions to turn on the TV. "I've never once had the slightest interest in watching the Oscars," said Ohio native Lennie Finley. "But my wife said there's a real chance that Jimmy Kimmel will get an open-hand wallop right in the middle of the whole deal. I had no idea that was part of the Oscars! I wouldn't miss that for the world."
According to sources, the Academy spent months laboring to decide who America would most like to see slapped on stage. "We had many strong contenders, such as Jim Carrey and LeBron James," said Ms. Wright. "Alec Baldwin was on the shortlist, but I'm not ready to die. In the end, we hit an absolute grand slam picking Jimmy Kimmel."
At publishing time, the nation's excitement had reached a fever pitch after Will Smith had reportedly been spotted sneaking into the Oscars, ironically disguised with a bald cap.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: