WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a gracious move of bipartisanship, the Senate voted to relax rules to allow their freshman Senator Jabba The Fetterman to take a bath in the reflecting pool.
The rules were immediately relaxed after the Senator from Transylvania described how he would fall into a deep depression were he to not be allowed to bathe naked in the reflecting pool.
"We wouldn't want our young friend to feel uncomfortable in any way," said Senator Mitch McConnell over the span of 45 minutes. "Besides, it would be good for the American people to see what the daily life of their elected representatives is like."
Below is a list of other allowances given to Mr. Fettermanstein over the past few days:
- Bringing in the world's best tailor for a custom loincloth fitting.
- Senate floor toilet installed so he doesn't have to get up to go poop.
- Fettermoog is allowed to park his RV in the Capitol driveway as long as he needs.
- Bra optional.
At publishing time, the Senate had voted unanimously to allow Fetterman to climb the Capitol Rotunda with a maiden in-hand to swing at airplanes.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.