WORLD—Sunday will mark 30 days since America defeated Iran in World War III, the shortest war in history. President Trump, now seen as the greatest world leader of all time, needed only 45 seconds to declare his victory.
It started when Trump ordered an airstrike just after midnight on 3 January 2020. The strike killed two high-ranking Iranian officials, Qasem Soleimani and Abu Mahdi al-Muhandis, who had definitely started the war by being in American territory in the first place. This left the Iranians helpless, and forced them to surrender. The war was over.
(While the general public believed Iran fought back in the war, firing missiles at American troops, the story was easily debunked by former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura.)
“It was a good war, great war, well thought out too,” President Trump explained, looking through his Twitter feed from early January. “I like to consider myself the Winston Churchill of World War III. It's got a nice ring to it.”
In the four weeks since World War III, the globe has grown to its safest level on record. Every terrorist in the world has been killed, Iran has been wiped off the map, and the territory previously known as Iran, Trumpsbakistan, is now the hottest tourist destination on the planet. With a world like this, it's hard to imagine another major war anytime soon. Thank you very much, President Trump!
Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee
After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.