Health Worldviews
Breaking: Health Officials Quarantine Portland To Prevent Spread Of Communism

PORTLAND, OR—The CDC has announced a full quarantine of Portland to prevent the spread of a dangerous virus known as communism.

While communism has been around for a while, experts believe the 2020-Antifa strain could develop into the worst communism pandemic in decades.

"We are enforcing a ban on all travel in and out of Portland until a cure is found," said one CDC official. "We simply can't risk deadly viruses like communism spreading out into the world. Millions will die."

Although there is no known cure for communism, there are preventative measures that experts recommend, such as reading history books. Signs that someone you love may have communism already include wearing ski masks, sporting Che Guevara shirts, and not showering regularly.

"If you see something that indicates someone you know may be infected with communism, say something."

In a shocking turn of events, all Democratic candidates were found to be carriers of the disease, though they assured everyone it was actually a democratic version of the virus.

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