U.S.—Remember super-Christian and football/baseball player Tim Tebow? The guy who took a knee before it was cool? Well, Tebow is now officially the only member of the NFL. The bold change for the league occurred after officials decided that everyone who had ever said a bad word would be removed from the league.
The entire NFL will just be an empty field with Tebow tossing a ball to himself with no spectators, coaches, teammates, opponents, or commentators, sources at the league confirmed today.
"Welp, I guess it's just Tim out there now," said Roger Goodell in his resignation speech. "I hope everyone enjoys watching him play. Well, I mean, you can't actually watch him because we've fired you as a fan for saying something off-color once. But Tim is a good kid. He'll have fun out there."
Tebow took to the field for his first NFL game as the only member of the league Thursday evening, quietly took a knee and said a prayer, and then just went out there and tossed the ball around to himself. "I just want to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for blessing me with this opportunity," Tebow said. "And I want to thank the rest of the league for being heathens who said bad words in the past. I owe it all to you guys."
Tebow still didn't score any touchdowns.
Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns - so he's a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.