ASHEVILLE, NC - An elite platoon of airborne IRS agents parachuted into the Smithson's backyard during little Sally's 7th birthday party to enforce new requirements to track any financial transactions greater than $600.
Agents immediately secured the party area by puncturing the bounce castle and flex-cuffing BoBo the Juggling Gorilla. They then proceeded to thoroughly catalog all the excess income collected by the new seven-year-old.
Chief Airborne Auditor Alvin "Deduction Strangler" Clarke reviewed the agents' findings. "Cash payments in the birthday cards alone easily approach the $600 threshold, even though Papa Earl and Gigi clearly tried to cheap out with a $15 McDonald's gift card."
Clarke continued, "We also had a trampoline, several Barbies, and a few Lego sets, although we didn't find the Millenium Falcon that Agent Glenn was really hoping to find for his kids. I mean for the evidence in the case. That's right. A lot of the time I refer to evidence as 'Agent Glenn's kids.' Why wouldn't I?"
Sally Smithson spent the rest of the day filling out complicated tax forms while the surrounding agents ate her cake and ice cream. "This is an important lesson for a young American to learn," said Agent Clarke. "Remember, Sally, always check with the government before you do anything. And don't forget to check that box about donating $1 to the presidential campaign fund. Support democracy!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
