WORLD — Millions of people instantly died today after the Big, Beautiful Bill passed Congress.
Mere moments after the deciding vote was cast, a horrific tragedy played out across the world as throngs of humans immediately dropped dead.
"They tried to warn us," sighed Speaker Mike Johnson, surveying the carnage. "They tried to tell us that this would kill everyone, but we didn't listen. How foolish I was! Curse you, Big, Beautiful Bill!"
At publishing time, death squads had begun hunting down Medicaid patients, just as Democrats had warned.
Starbucks employees are fed up and taking matters into their own hands.
