It's birthday time once again for the greatest nation on earth: America. Everybody likes to celebrate 'Murica a little differently - here are how nine famous politicians are planning to mark the 4th of July this year:
Chuck Schumer: Murdering 26 people with undercooked beef. Tradition is tradition.
AOC: Weeping outside of Alligator Alcatraz: Heroic.
Ron DeSantis: Turning loose highly trained alligators armed with lasers to hunt down anyone who comes near Alligator Alcatraz: Uh-oh.
JD Vance: Killing off a rival world leader: U-S-A! U-S-A!
Joe Biden: Hanging Christmas decorations: Aw, Joe.
Thomas Massie: Going to some super-secret meeting Trump invited him to in a CIA detention cell: Have fun, Tom.
JB Pritzker: Hot dog eating contest: Followed by a burger eating contest, lamb shank eating contest, entire baby pig eating contest, pie eating contest, and tub of Crisco eating contest.
Zohran Mamdani: Dumping Jews into the harbor: A true patriot.
President Trump: Carving his own face into Mount Rushmore while riding a bald eagle: Glorious!
Our great and wise leaders are doing it right this Independence Day. How are you celebrating the 4th? Let us know in the comments.
Liberal Brynnleigh travels back to 1933 Germany to erase a certain stain on humanity.
