ROME — Following the death of Pope Francis this week, official sources at the Vatican have confirmed that the next pope will be chosen by ninja warrior obstacle course.
According to Cardinal Kevin Farrell, the camerlengo of the Roman Church, Pope Francis' successor will be elected by the College of Cardinals based on the orthodoxy of his doctrine, his commitment to Catholic tradition, and also his ability to complete a ninja warrior obstacle course faster than the competition.
"It's important that the pope be prepared to lead the flock of Christ as the Successor of Peter," Farrell said. "Which is why the next pope of the Roman Catholic Church will have to beat out his closest competitors on the Warped Wall, the Spinning Log, and the Floating Stairs if he wants to take over the Holy See."
According to the Vatican, the election will be televised for Catholics worldwide as "Papal Ninja Warrior: Race for Rome." After finishing the course, whoever wins the race for pope will press a button, causing white smoke to rise from the Sistine Chapel chimney.
"This is the best thing since Vatican II let us use ukuleles in the liturgy," said Andrew O'Malley, a local Catholic. "Can't wait to see the next head of the church militant crushing it on the Crazy Clocks. God save His Holiness!"
At publishing time, the Vatican had been forced to amend the obstacle course a little to allow some of the papal contestants to get their walkers onto the course.
How could we have missed all these?
