SPRINGDALE, AR — A local man planned to spend the next several hours searching online for a new cordless drill after his neighbor texted him to ask if he could come over and borrow his current drill, which he would likely keep for the next nine years.
"I knew as soon as he asked me," said Bill Dove. "I realized I'd need to find a new drill since I won't see this one again until at least 2032. It's a shame. I really like my drill. But, hey, this is just the way things work, ya know?"
Bill's neighbor, Jim, was working on replacing some warped deck boards and just needed to borrow Bill's drill "real quick." Knowing this implied a nearly decade-long verbal contract, Bill resigned himself to a near-permanent loss of the tool. "It's served me well and I hate to see it go," Bill said, shaking his head. "Maybe I'll be able to negotiate visitation rights so I can at least go over and check up on the drill and see how it's doing in its new home."
Though Jim's deck project was almost certain to be completed in a couple of hours, both men understood that the drill would then be placed in Jim's garage, never to be seen or heard from again until nine years had passed.
At publishing time, Bill was rumored to be considering a plan to get Jim back for borrowing the drill by asking to use Jim's orbital sander, which Bill would then hold hostage indefinitely until the drill was returned.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
